her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
