I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
