Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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