I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
