After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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