I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
