i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
