I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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