Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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