Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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