Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
