honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
