On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
