My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
