Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
