I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
