So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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