Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
