i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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