What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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