sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
