R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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