The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
