I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
