My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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