Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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