an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
