I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
