I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
