i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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