you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
