my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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