Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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