We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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