wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
