I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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