he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
