sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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