Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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