Even the bartender felt bad for me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
