I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
