At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
