I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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