Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
