You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
