woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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