I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
