awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
