I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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