I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
